Lawyer Jokes!
Just to let you know we don't take ourselves too seriously here are (just a few!) of the lawyer jokes we have come across..
What’s wrong with lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don’t think they’re funny and other people don’t think they’re jokes.
Did you hear about the sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It’s called Sosumi.
An experienced editor trying to explain the newspaper to a cub reporter:
"You can’t sell any papers with a ‘dig bites man story, but ‘Client Runs Off with Attorney’s Funds” – why, that would sell out a special edition”.
Necessity knows no law, I know some lawyers are the same. - Benjamin Franklin
I used to be a lawyer, but now I am a reformed character”. - Woodrow Wilson
Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
To practice.
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all.
When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, “And where do you think you’re going to find a lawyer?”
A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman. “That’s unfair!” he cried. “I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman”.
“Shut up,” barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork.
“Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”
How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they’d rather keep their client’s in the dark.
There’s an interesting new novel about two ex-convicts. One of them studies to become a lawyer, and the other decided to go straight. Lawyer: “Let me give you my honest opinion”. Client: “No, no. I’m paying for professional advice”.
A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket and ordered a double scotch. A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, the man told the bartender he’d had enough. The bartender said “I’ve got to ask you –what’s with the pocket business?”
“Oh” said the man’ “I have my lawyer’s picture in here, and when he starts to look honest, I know I’ve had enough”.
The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble Space Telescope photograph of distant galaxies colliding. Of Course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.
Did you hear about the lawyer hurt in an accident?
An ambulance stopped suddenly.
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.“All set back here, Captain” came the reply “except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards”.
What do you need if you find your lawyer buried up to his neck in wet cement?
More cement
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2 plus 2?" The housewife replies: "Four!" The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time." The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
Why does London have all lawyers, and Sellafield have all the nuclear waste?
Sellafield got first pick.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
……An offer you can't understand
A man walks into a pub with an alligator.
"Do you serve lawyers in here?", the man asks.
"Of course we do!", replies the barman.
"Great!," said the man. "I'll have a beer, and how about a lawyer for my 'gator."
Why aren’t lawyers allowed to have sex with their clients?
It’s to prevent clients from being billed twice for the same service.
Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
i. if one side has one, the other side has to get one.
ii. Once launched, they can't be recalled; and
iii. When they land, they screw everything up for the next 20 years.
What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a lawyer’s convention?
The caterer.
After a spat with the judge a lawyer asked "Your Honour, what would you do if I called you a stupid old fool." The judge replied " Why, I would hold you in contempt of court and send you to the cells!" What if I just thought it?" asked the lawyer. "There’s nothing I could do, you can think whatever you want." "Okay. Let the record show that I 'think' you're a stupid, old fool."
At the beginning of a trial the Judge asked the jurors, "Is there any reason why any of you cannot see this trial through to its conclusion?" A lone juror spoke up, "I can't do it!" cried the woman, "Why, just looking at the man convinces me he’s guilty!" "Madam," said the Judge, "that's the lawyer."
Your solicitor and your mother-in-law are trapped in a burning building. You only have time to save one of them. Do you:
a. Have lunch?
b. Go to a movie?
A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly. "Is Mr. Smith there?" asked the client on the phone. "I'm very sorry," the receptionist answered, "but Mr. Smith passed away last night." "Is Mr. Smith there?" repeated the client. The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me, I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night." "Is Mr. Smith there?" the client again asked. "Ma'am, do you understand what I'm saying?" said the exasperated receptionist, "Mr. Smith is DEAD!" "Oh I understand you perfectly," said the client, "I just can't hear it often enough."
A truck driver comes upon a priest hitch-hiking at the roadside so he stops to give him a ride..
After a few miles the truck driver sees a lawyer at the roadside and, forgetting that the priest is with him, he swerves towards the lawyer.
At the last moment he remembers the priest and swerves to avoid the lawyer. The truck driver turns to the priest and says “Please forgive me father!”
The priest replies “Don’t worry my son. I got him with the door.”
If you’re locked in a room with a Tiger, a bear and a lawyer and your gun only has two bullets, what are you going to do?
Shoot the lawyer…..twice!
How do you tell the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer?
There’s normally skid marks before the dog!